I’m tired. For three hours today I wrestled with technology just to create a 2 minute video clip for my mission. This happened after two intense days of studying, chauffeuring, meeting new people, starting our fall Bible study, helping with homeschool, fighting traffic/construction, helping/organizing/leading whatever, and trying to sleep. Honestly, there were moments in this technology skirmish where I wanted to yell, kick, and throw my computer against the wall. Instead, I fought back tears because I didn’t want to look puffy on camera. And I still don’t know if what I finally created will work. Whenever I get this worked up over something not going well, I have to process what’s going on in my heart. And often, I find the same heart struggle showing up in a brand new way.
I want to be perfect. This is not to be confused with the perfection and holiness that comes through Christ. I do want that, too, but it’s not the subject of this post (not yet, anyway). THIS desire comes from wanting people to be pleased with what I’ve done, wanting my work to be without blemish or mishap, afraid that what I make will not be enough. It’s pride, and it’s a desire to please that is rooted in a love of self. It’s ugly, and it’s exhausting. And I’m tired.
So, what to do? It’s time to cry out to the One who has delivered me from this battle every time I’ve asked. It’s time to rejoice in how, although I struggle with this pride and fear, I am getting victory too. I have walked through countless situations where I am now able to choose Christ’s perfection over my own perfectionism willingly and joyfully! Whenever a new situation comes along that shows this battle in my heart, He lovingly reminds me that He is working within me to will and to act according to His good purposes. It’s not about what I can do – It’s about how I can rest so closely in Christ, with my heart recalling His promises and my mind focused on His purposes, that He moves in and through me. That’s amazing! And it is a gazillion times better than trying to do it on my own.
And I’m asking for prayer. Because what I REALLY want is to hide in the Lord and let him preserve me and surround me with songs of deliverance. I want to live in this surrender, every single moment of every single day. Would you pray that I will?
P.S. You don’t know how many times I wanted to delete this post and walk away. But if God can get some glory and give some hope because I am willing to say that I am not perfect, and that without Christ I am a hopeless wreck, but WITH Christ I have victory, joy, refuge, and deliverance, then I’m willing to let the post stand.